I had to look at the calendar to make sure I hadn’t overslept and that it wasn’t April 1. Here was a story that couldn’t be true, surely. It had to be a spoof.
Some joker (possibly a P.Mandelson) is putting it about that the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills (BIS) is telling parents how to treat new graduates in their households.
Graduating can be a tough experience and parents should try not to nag when they come back home, exhausted from the ordeal of all that work, not to mention all those parties.
But – and here is the really useful stuff – BIS says parents have to get these newly-qualified people to be realistic about job prospects, and encourage them to make their own ways in the world. Many people, says the guide, “waste away the years” attempting to become actors and film script writers. How stupid can people get? After all there are better opportunities with X factor and Britain’s Got Talent.
In a list of “dos” the guide says parents should “allow their offspring some time to relax once they graduate – but don’t let a few weeks turn into a few months.” Another tip says: “Arrange a regular update of progress to avoid nagging. This could be weekly or daily and if agreed in advance can help your son/daughter monitor progress and keep you informed, without adding any more pressure on them.”
The “don’ts” includes advice against nagging. It says “it might work in some circumstances, but most young people want to get a job and know there is a lot of competition. The nagging can make young people feel more stressed and makes the failure to get a job worse”.
However another tip says parents should not be too supportive.”Sometimes, it really is necessary to show tough love,” the guide says. “If you are making life too comfortable at home, why would they get a job? If you are providing free board and lodgings, a well-stocked fridge, washing and ironing done, plus an allowance, there’s not much drive there. So cut back to help increase their motivation.”
Parents across the land must be seizing this advice, muttering: “Thank God BIS has come to our aid. We were about to go to the supermarket to stock the fridge up again, after doing the washing and ironing of course, and we have been giving them money to stay at home.
“Now things will be different. No food, no clean clothes, and no place to call home – just like it was for them at university.”
In this time of uncertainty for business, with the country hopefully coming out of recession, and with many firms still finding things difficult, it is comforting to know that the BIS empire has not wasted it time on making business regulation less stringent, or helping firms with innovation or skills. No, it has focused on the next generation of entrepreneurs and whizz kids. Or at least their parents.
Or has some BIS civil servant been taking the P out of Mandelson?